How to move through bitter energy with grace.
In human design, my “not theme self” is bitterness, it’s the place I go when my ego comes out to play. Lately, after hitting the big 4-0, I’ve been in deep reflection around my relationships. I’ve felt a thick, dark, anger rise within me from watching myself pour into people, with all that I’ve got, constantly giving, and not feeling any reciprocation.
Then I would get into this nasty conversation with myself, “am IIIIIII the one who is actually selfish, is there something I’m not seeing about myself that others are seeing? Maybe I should just stop giving? No, I can’t, it’s my human nature to be a giver. I’m confused, what am I supposed to do with these feelings?” As I was journaling out some of my bitterness, a memory bubbled up, I remembered when my husband and I were first together. It was probably the second time after we had slept together, we were getting dressed and he asked me if I had an orgasm. I nearly choked on my own dismay and nearly died from embarrassment. I’d had plenty of sexual escapades and I’d NEVER been asked this very (at the time) awkward question. Not. Once.
He was genuinely concerned for my vaginal well-being and it was so far out of left field for me. That was what set the tone for our entire relationship, clear communication (ahem) and genuine concern and care for one another. He was always incredibly concerned for my well-being, in every capacity. I in-turn had always reciprocated, I was always more concerned for his well-being more so than my own at times and it always made for crazy harmony and balance between the two of us.
As I was remembering that memory, I made the connection as to how it could apply to all of the relationships I’d been stewing over, (minus the orgasm). I realized I could continue to stay bitter and focus my energy on all of the people I wasn’t feeling the reciprocation with ORRRR, I could choose to spend my energetic currency on those who were in harmony with the reciprocal energetic ebb and flow. I started to see all of the people in my life who really have shown up for me when I needed them, who genuinely cared for my well-being. I in-turn 100% would do anything at all if they needed me and I’d do it at the drop of a dime. It was this huge lightbulb moment.
You can literally choose bitterness or love, some days are total EPFY days and it’s perfectly ok to soak in bitterness. Changing your state of being is really pretty simple when we take the lessons from the emotion and choose something different.
It’s not that the people I was stewing over were bad, there just wasn’t balance energetically. Some I’ve distanced myself from, some I’ve just chosen to stop pouring into. When you choose to distance yourself from the people that don’t have a genuine care for your well-being, you free up space for more awesome souls to come in. It’s incredibly empowering to also begin asserting your boundaries, “no” is one of the most powerful words you can use to change your entire life.
Are you constantly pouring into everyone in the world, feeling like you are super F*ing tired of being a doormat? Is it time to choose something different? You’re worthy of being surrounded by people who see you, feel you, and pour into you. There are 7.53 billion people on the planet, and plenty of those folks have the capacity to match you energetically. Filling your circle with the people who fill you is a total game changer. It took me 40 years to really get it. But I got it.